Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
