Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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