I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
