My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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