"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
