I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
