I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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