im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Ladies don't puke and tell
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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