Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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