I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
