theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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