Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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