Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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