haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
