I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
