So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
