I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
