Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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