My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
