The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
