i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
