I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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