nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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