wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my shit smells like andre
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
