areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
