Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
