can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
