She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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