he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
