Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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