I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
