So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
