I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
