Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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