if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
