he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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