p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
