Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
