I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
