if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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