Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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