her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
