I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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