Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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