im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
