He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
jump out the window naked night went bad
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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