The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
