I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
