Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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