he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
